I'm okay today

I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and didn't want to get out of bed. There was a nice, brisk chill in the air. After puppy went out for her morning business, she came back to the room and cried to get in the bed with me. We share a morning cuddle.

After many mornings of somberness, I wake up feeling okay. It is a nice feeling. So much better than sad. Tons better than angry. And worlds better than worried. I had felt those things on many mornings...and I can say that I'm okay today.

I think...hm.. I know he knew what he was doing. I know that he asked for that chapter's page to turn and start anew. He did it for me...or maybe he did it for us. I feel it in my bones. I still feel a pull..every. single. day. But still.. for right now, I'm okay today.

And there are far worse things to fret about.

Late last night after a bit of socializing :) I prepped for tonight's supper. I soaked some white navy beans and took some pork hocks & ham out to thaw. My famous ham & white bean soup. Infused with garlic, bay leaves, cilantro and other aromatics. This morning I rinsed the beans and got it ready to simmer with the hocks so it is smelling quite lovely right now. While I'm chopping onion to get it in the pot with the rest of the soup goodness, a visitor stopped by. My partner's aunt comes in from the back door and makes a bee line to find her sister. I watched this woman, still in her plaid PJ Bottoms, break down as she told us the news of her son. He has cancer. My heart immediately sinks. I don't know his aunt or his aunt's son very well - but I do know the heartache and pain.

I'm very lucky that I woke up feeling okay. There are so many who open their eyes at the break of dawn and they are not so lucky. I wish them better mornings, brighter days and starry nights. I wish them well.

I wish you all well xoxo

The Ultimate Lazy Sunday & The Faraway Nearby

Today is the ultimate Lazy Sunday. I've been spending it mostly in bed feeling under the weather and the rain outside makes it easier for me to stay tucked in and cozy. Last night, I was awoken by a light show in the sky which were accompanied by sets of rolling thunder. I sat up, wide awake and watched it through my window for a little while, which I tend to do. We had BBQ plans today, and I had set my alarm to wake up to make my famous potato salad I did it as planned toughing out the achy blahs. My partner still has his door project to work on, I can hear the pounding as we speak. So I decided to stay home. (Enter mischievous smile here). Don't tell anyone, but I didn't want to go anyway. I still made my famous potato salad and sent it on it's way with the others. I don't feel it is a wasted day, I am very content to have the house to myself. I open up my music list and load up a long playlist of Cyndi Lauper tunes, something I listen to when I'm feeling ill. Her music makes me feel better. She reminds me of my sisters...plus, I wanted to avoid having certain songs or artist pulling at my emo-cord. Cyndi is safe. I'm finding it's taking it a lil longer writing this, as I took several breaks singing "I'll Kiss You" (a very animated performance, might I add) and "The Faraway Nearby" (which had me thinking of the person I was trying not to think of which is why I chose to listen to Cyndi Lauper in the first place) It happens that way, I suppose. So I continue to sing.

Hot looks, cold words,
Don't know what it is you heard
But I didn't mean it,
If I said something wrong
Short nights, long dreams
Something happens in between
Then a weird feeling,
Like you're here but still you're gone

 
Big whisper, small scream
But it's not like what it seems
Locked up in the open
Don't know which way to go
Deserts, oceans
Leaving footprints in the sand
Hoping that you'll see them
And wishing you'd follow

It's impossible to keep someone out of your head, when deep inside you want them there. It's a toughie, no doubt about it.

 

Reason #1

I was asked recently if I regret leaving the island of O'ahu, Hawai'i, my home of 37 years. I do miss it, and I will always think of it as home...but no, I don't regret leaving. I can go on and on naming what I miss about Hawai'i, instead I decided to share the reasons I love being here. It'll be an ongoing thing as I go through the seasons. Fun, right?

 Why I love it here

Reason #1
I met my first chipmunk. It was a brief meeting, and for a brief moment this grown woman squealed with glee. That was probably the reason why this lil critter ran away, too.

P.S. Theodore is my favorite, but Simon makes me smile :)

You are in every sunset

You are in every sunset.

Who do you think of when you watch the sunset? There are enough moments before it hides itself behind the horizon to have a special few in mind. Your children? Your spouse? Your parents? Yourself? You are in every sunset. I would love to watch the sunset here with little to no obstructions, I've been asking my partner (I tried typing boyfriend and spouse and other half, none of those sounded right...so from now on, he is known as my partner. Fits the bill, I think...anyway) So yes, I've been asking my partner to take me to watch the sunset...just somewhere nearby so I can sit and watch it with him. I probably ask every other day the past few months. I've been asking periodically since I've moved here. There are always reasons why we don't, the main one being that it's too far a drive to get to a place for a nice setting of the sun. I don't need perfection...I just want to sit and watch the sun go down, contemplate life, breathe in, and unwind without gadgets or spending money. That being said, I still haven't been taken, so I decided that I wouldn't ask anymore. I'd take my walks and try to find a nice spot and watch it go down behind the trees and houses. There is always a chimney, telephone wire or post... or rooftop in my view..and that's okay..,it's a still my sunset. When the day is coming to an end, I try and take those last few moments as it is setting to stop what I'm doing and watch. I have lived most of my life on the islands and I rarely bothered to look up at the sky and everything wondrous in it. How crazy is that? I never had time for it. I was always on the go, always working, always busy, always rushing. Now here I am, in the middle of the US...a lil town in a big city. Here I am stalking sunsets and being entertained by clouds. Here I am being mesmerized by the moon and in awe by the stars. I'm paying attention. I'm looking up. To be in someone's sunset is as special as the setting of that very sun. If you happen to be around for one, stop. Enjoy it for those few special moments. Think of the ones you love and chances are...someone is thinking of you too.  

You are in every sunset.

Gooses! Geeses!

I'm afraid to go places alone...but if I don't push myself to go further past my comfort levels, I'll miss stuff like this. Glad I took the extra steps.

and of course I sang this song on the rest of my walk

and next time, a few more steps :)

New Skin

Some days I wish I could shed the skin I'm in and grow one that was completely new. Don't get me wrong...It isn't because I'm unhappy about myself. I've grown to be adequately comfortable inside my skin. And it's not that I am dreading the signs of aging either - I'm okay with laugh lines and crow's feet - in fact my ethnic background has postponed those very aging signs. I have to laugh about that :)

I'm talking about my actual skin...the outer layer of me...that is what I want fixed. It's a challenge and the irony of it all? Chances are my skin problems are my own doing.

I know that it could be worse. I'm glad that it isn't. But for once...I'd like to sleep soundly. For once I'd like to stop worrying to the point where my body reacts to the stress. I'd like to not think so much. Is that even possible for someone like me? This is why I write.. maybe if I get these words per minute jotted down, typed in...I'd have less of them floating about in my head. It is exhausting nodding and smiling, and there are times I simply refuse to smile, or give an okay nod. I've been shaking my head a lot. Every day is a different emotion, and it's not always happy. It's becoming harder to pretend that everything is okay. All of a sudden, I have an opinion. Out of the blue, I've begun to express my feelings. But you know what happens when you hold all of those opinions and feelings in and finally gained the courage to spill it all out? The outcome is something similar to Augustus Gloop being stuck in that fudge pipe. Things are going to explode... and even worse? That pipe doesn't go to the fudge room - it goes to the marshmallow room. Even Willy Wonka knew. 

It's no wonder I love the Internets.

What I'm hoping is that the invisible layer outside of my skin is endearing enough to hold one's attention. That need to make someone smile, the way I can be silly, my moodiness. I hope that does the trick.. Well, it's what I am banking on until I get my new skin, anyway.

A night of music, a life of learning.

I was there.
I looked up several times.

 If not now, when? Tour - Incubus 2011

DTE Energy Music Theater

Michigan

Whenever I see an Incubus video of one of their concerts, I love when the camera pans towards the ocean of adoring fans.. and every time I see that, I imagine myself being in that very ocean, floating in the same cosmic jacuzzi. I love being in the midst of 'Bus fans, singing out loud, jumping around, knowing what the song is in the first bar or two of music and flinging my arms up and cheering in unison. I love this picture, it's one of my favorite pictures I captured that night. It also reminds me of where I was the first time...watching them perform in the VA Beach Amphitheater, literally in the very back of the lawn seating area. When I got to this venue, I was shocked at how much closer I was.. I could actually see the stage! Next time? ..and there will be a next time...I am going to be up front with my arms flung up, singing, dancing, cheering along and soaking up every single moment.

Setlist

Pardon Me

Wish You Were Here

Adolescents
Anna Molly
Promises, Promises
If Not Now, When?
Circles
When It Comes
Stellar
Vitamin
In the Company of Wolves
Defiance (Acoustic)
I Miss You (Acoustic)
Just a Phase
A Crow Left of a Murder
Drive
Nice To Know You

ENCORE

Megalomaniac
Sick Sad Little World
Tomorrow's Food

As much as I enjoyed sharing my moment among other Incubus fans, music has always been something very personal. There are songs I take to heart and can relate to on a level full of emotion - and many of Incubus' songs do that for me. Incubus...they are more than just a band - and it is more than just a bunch of songs. Their music reminds me of love..and of light. It reminds me to look up at the stars...and to open my eyes. Their music gives me reasons to smile...and even reasons to cry. His voice, their music...has the awesome ability to pull at my heart strings and tug at my very soul.

...I am also reminded that music, however personal - must be shared. And not just music - but anything that may hold special meaning; whether it be art or poetry. Now...I'm unsure when this happened exactly, but I'm beginning to learn things of myself that I did not know existed. I'm certain it's been there all along, and I've started to take notice and acknowledge it as something potentially harmful. Yes, there are also many positive things that I've discovered of myself in my lifetime...but the not so positive things, they appear as a cloudy overcast over the clear blue skies. I'm 40 years old and still have so much room to grow - my eyes can widen even more than they have been. I am learning to trust...to put trust into others and myself. I am learning that my insecurities has the deviant way of turning a calm ocean into a hurricane of torment, not just within myself, but towards others. I'm incredibly sorry when that negative part of me shadows any of the good light, and it is too late to undo. I truly wish that human part of me did not exist. I'm learning like most good things, music this beautiful should be shared.. and that it will not, and should not take away what it sings to your own soul.

"...and there's an absence today of defiance.."

- From Defiance by Incubus

 

 And then there's this song:

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify.
Look me in the eye
and ask for forgiveness;
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.

We all have something that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
That cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.

We all have someone that digs at us.
At least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.

If I turn into another,
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.

"If I turn into another, dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me." If I am lucky enough to have your honest friendship or love...or if I have the unbelievable beauty of both. I dedicate this song to you.