I'm talking about my actual skin...the outer layer of me...that is what I want fixed. It's a challenge and the irony of it all? Chances are my skin problems are my own doing.
I know that it could be worse. I'm glad that it isn't. But for once...I'd like to sleep soundly. For once I'd like to stop worrying to the point where my body reacts to the stress. I'd like to not think so much. Is that even possible for someone like me? This is why I write.. maybe if I get these words per minute jotted down, typed in...I'd have less of them floating about in my head. It is exhausting nodding and smiling, and there are times I simply refuse to smile, or give an okay nod. I've been shaking my head a lot. Every day is a different emotion, and it's not always happy. It's becoming harder to pretend that everything is okay. All of a sudden, I have an opinion. Out of the blue, I've begun to express my feelings. But you know what happens when you hold all of those opinions and feelings in and finally gained the courage to spill it all out? The outcome is something similar to Augustus Gloop being stuck in that fudge pipe. Things are going to explode... and even worse? That pipe doesn't go to the fudge room - it goes to the marshmallow room. Even Willy Wonka knew.
It's no wonder I love the Internets.
What I'm hoping is that the invisible layer outside of my skin is endearing enough to hold one's attention. That need to make someone smile, the way I can be silly, my moodiness. I hope that does the trick.. Well, it's what I am banking on until I get my new skin, anyway.
For this blog to work, at some point you've got to stop caring about what the people who read this will say. That's one worry(ish) of mine. I think thats why minimal family + in person friends know of my blog, because the people that read it can handle all the things I say good or bad. I can say what I want to them, and in front of them, even if it is the most bitchy thing on the face of the planet.
ReplyDeleteSay what you wants to, cousin, we loves you all the same :)))
Well that's why I've only shared it with Clever Medicine...You've all seen the bitchy side of me. There are a handful of people that I feel I can share everything with. CM of course and maybe a few more. Not a big bunch at all. I like it that way. And you're right, I need to stop worrying. I worry a mile a minute. I am worrying as I type this. I'm thinking I need a small dosage of a pill to curb that. I'm totally serious too. I have gone many years refusing the aid of happy pills and coping with what I have to cope with. I hate pills in general, and I take the ones I do because I have to.. but maybe 5 mgs of something will help me. A nurse friend says it helps her. I have 2 doctors appointments in the next 2 weeks and I'm going break down and inquire about it. As far as saying what I want.. :( lately I have been. Are you sure people will love me all the same? Afterwards there are times I don't love me when I say the things I want to say.
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